AUUUUGH

I like Sluggy Freelance, hence the user pic.

Right now I'm reading the current storyline.... (PSSST, SLUGGY SPECULATION COMING UP!)








and I have this feeling that Gwynn is Kusari. LOLOLOLOL WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD?
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
  • Tags

Woooo

Dad got a job and his first day is tomorrow :D Everyone is going to be going to work except me ._.

I'm going to be job hunting though and working towards learning how to drive and all that jazz. I'm lame.  :P

It's all exciting though. I really am excited to learn how to be an adult and have those responsibilities 'n all, but at the same time I'm all... strangely upset about it too. The other night I just began crying because I wanted time to STOP and I was thinking about my sister and how I'm doing things that she has never done before and I'm officially older than her and I am never going to be younger than her again and bluuuhh.. it depresses me but I know that she'd want me to do this and forge my own life. Just because she's dead doesn't mean the rest of my life has to stop too so I have to keep going.

Earlier I told mom a cool christmas present would be getting my tattoo done--It's going to be her initials. It would also be a nice way to memorialize her life as well as a tribute to that part of my life as I step forward to really move on. Sure, it's been seven years but that is the kind of wound that doesn't quite stop hurting. It gets easier over the years but sometimes it catches me and it feels like how it did in the days after she passed, even if it's just for a moment. It held me back for a long time and it hasn't been until recently when I've pulled out of that mess and started this new phase of "new adult me".

It just feels weird :/

The other thing that feels weird is how all my friends and I are growing up. SHOCKER. Nah, but seriously, I think about how we all were as 14 and 15 year olds and how everyone was all wrapped up in drama and shit, but these days... it's just weird. Shana turned 20 and Brandon is turning 19 in January. Several friends are going to be 18 andor they're in their senior year... fuck, it's bizarre XD Our lives are coming together and being adults is just going to be so NEW. It just trips me out.

I guess we're all moving on. :3

Caffeine

My sleep schedule has been so fucked up lately. SHoPP is going to be GREEAAAAT. Reading about short-term goals and parts of the brain are going to put me in a coma. Though, I did ask mom if we can stop by a coffee stand first and get coffee.

She wouldn't mind though. She's more addicted to coffee than I am.

Anyway...

I've had this odd emotional funk lately. You know those times where you feel like you've finally made some progress but some sort of awful realization hits you and suddenly it feels like you're back at square one? Yeah. It's one of those things. >:[ And it's really frustrating to know that I still need to like... counsel myself through this shit.

There was a time where the only sorts of things I'd draw were all related to trying to sort out the mess in my head and trying to put an image to all the anger and anxiety (and eventually fear). I was basically my own art therapist :D

But now I'm back to that... just in a different sense. Errgldkfslf fuck. It's personal though, hence why I'm being vague.

Jesus, you'd think I would have learned to speak out by now, but nope. Hypocrisy is fun. I always tell people to talk about the things that bother them and in turn I keep feelings to myself.

Meh. It'll work out in the end though. C:

About this emotional funk though: it got to the point where a couple songs actually almost triggered another panic attack (I had a massive one back in January that peaked at 10 minutes and it took another 20 to fully calm down). Weirdly enough, the songs are a couple I grew up with pretty much and until recently, I never had a bad emotional reaction to them. Now it's happened twice and I don't know why. That is the hard part about this: not knowing why it is happening.

After that I spent about an hour somewhere inbetween apathy and a depressed state before forcing myself to get up and do something (like dishes). It cheered me up and so things are back to about as normal as it can get at the moment.

Mmm, Queensryche.

I haven't listened to Operation: Mindcrime in a while and since I am so fucking sick of this presidential election, it feels fitting.

I did send in my ballot though. The election is over for me.

Ah yes, a public entry. I have several notebooks that I'm recording stuff in (the intensely personal stuff) so I figure the random/mindless riff-raff could go here.

Ugh, mindless. In my health class today I was taking the unit exam on anxiety disorders or something and they had one of those questions where you select all the answers that seem fit, and the question was "What are some symptoms of GAD?"

...now, I've researched anxiety disorders on my own and my mother has GAD, so I'd know a little something about it. I knew that all the answers they gave that you're supposed to select were symptoms of panic attacks and NOT THE ACTUAL DISORDER and I got seriously annoyed.

Plus it didn't help that it was the same exam I got locked out of when my browser died. I didn't even get to finish! However, I sent my teacher a message explaining what happened and hopefully they'll reset it. x_x I have an A in that class.

And I finally got past the "expected progress" line in that class! I'm behind in my Careers and Tech class, but if I'm not so tired later I'm going to be awake doing that, and hopefully I'll get close/pass by that line as well.

In music news, I got the intro notes to Cloud on my Tongue down. :D I just don't know what Tori plays underneath her vocals so I need to figure that out... somehow.. my ear still isn't that good, but it's definately getting better. I feel all accomplished with that.

There isn't much else going on... just kinda hanging out and thinking about halloween.
  • Current Music
    I Don't Believe In Love-Queensryche
  • Tags
    ,

Hello.

There is an explanation for the absence of posts: All of 'em are private entries. This journal is mainly about self-reflection and it's a rather private matter at the moment.

Yep.